BOW VALLEY – While the holidays bring times of joyful energy with festive lights and eggnog, it can also be one of the hardest times of the year for individuals going through grief and loss of a loved one.
Town of Banff Community Wellness Coordinator Yvonne Law knows this almost too well, as she shared her experience with losing her brother more than 20 years ago.
"I lost my brother 21 years ago in September and when Christmas came, I just didn't want it to happen at all," Law explained.
"Life goes on and everyone seems happy and doing their own thing, but it is just the most raw, horrible feeling ever to try and get through the holidays after a loss, especially that first Christmas or holiday, you just don't know how you are going to get through it."
At the time, Law was able to find a support group called Christmas Hurts and pulling from her own experience, she said some of the key things she remembers helping her get through was finding that support from friends, family and people going through similar experiences – while also recognizing it is OK to take time for yourself.
"People need to carve out some time for themselves and be able to hold space for their grief and not feel like they have to partake in every single thing," Law said.
That can include saying "no" to events you do not want to attend, going into another room during an event to take the time and space to acknowledge your grief and finding ways to honour your loved one.
"Don't be shy to talk about the person you lost, in front of others that is what will be on your mind and heart – find people that get you and support you and know what you are going through," Law said.
Grief and loss support counsellor Margaret Claveau also shared well-known grief practices that echoed many of Law's suggestions while touching on the importance of knowing your own boundaries.
"I think the thing people need to think about is – it is not the same and it never will be the same and when you've lost someone you love, your life will be different and forever different," Claveau said.
"One of the things they need to consider, you know, it might not be a very good Christmas, but think about what they need and how to express those needs. They need to say to themselves, 'this is going to be a difficult time and what do I need to get through this.' "
The Canmore-based counsellor encouraged finding ways to honour those loved ones, through new decorations in memory of your loved one, or putting up old photos if it is not too painful, while also discouraging being around or ingesting alcohol.
"Be careful of consuming too much alcohol – it is a quick way to drown our feelings and also avoid [feelings]. If you see people are drinking a lot, it is not a bad idea to leave," Claveau said.
Grief is a time of mixed feelings, Claveau noted, mentioning there could be anger and resentment – both totally normal in moments of grief, but she also wanted to remind people going through loss to also accept the moments of joy when they arrive.
"You can spoil yourself, buy yourself something special – there is so much joy associated with Christmas [and the holidays]. Carols. Songs. Decorations. So it is OK to allow those little moments of joy," she said.
Both Law and Claveau noted the importance of getting out into nature.
"When we look at the beauty around us, there is a lot that can nurture your soul at the time. Then listen to recognize that this is a difficult time and what they are doing can help themselves," Claveau said.
"In time, they might be able to be there for someone else and that is very empowering."
While these tips might seem obvious, Law said it is not always obvious to individuals dealing with grief.
"Sometimes when people are going through this, they don't know what to do with themselves and if they are going through it in the Bow Valley, they are lucky because we can go through a walk in the forest, go to a mountain top and do something breathing and get some grounding happening ... they don't have to do this alone, they do not have to grieve alone," she said.
Alberta Health Services released a tip sheet for managing holiday grief and stress outlining different coping ideas. It includes:
• Do something for yourself, i.e. try a new hobby, or do something you enjoy, such as going for a walk.
• Connect with people, whether it is a community group, friends or volunteering.
• Keep a regular schedule with meals, exercise and sleep, while also limiting alcohol consumption.
• Keep organized with lists, or a planner, to keep track of all the tasks and events to attend.
• Learn to say no. Saying no to events that aren't important to you opens time to say yes to events you do want to attend.
Resources in the Bow Valley include:
• Walk-in counselling at Canmore General Hospital and Banff Mineral Springs Hospital, seven days a week from 2-9 p.m.
Go to the bowvalleypcn.ca for more information.
• Call/text 2-1-1 for local services or visit www.ab.211.ca
• Call Calgary-based 24/7 distress line at 403-266-4357 (HELP)
• You Are Not Alone Bow Valley Grief Loss & Support Counselling. Appointments can be made by calling 403-678-1927.
